70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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