I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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