Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
The convent might be a nice break from real life
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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