Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
40s are totally the cure
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
