Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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