i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
