you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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