i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Randomize
