Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
