So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
