I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
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