I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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