I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
