you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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