I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
