I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
false alarm, still single
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
