he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
