I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
