Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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