dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
he quoted the bible to break up with me
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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