cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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