i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
