So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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