i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
