She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
