He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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