im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
