just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
