My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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