I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize