the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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