i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
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