allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
