Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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