I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
