I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize
