the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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