we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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