i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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