he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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