ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
