i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
