No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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