Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
