My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
