I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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