oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
