You're my little dorito
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
