I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
