I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
