Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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