I got chris browned last night
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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