So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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