i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Randomize
