when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
His nipple licking is glorious
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