I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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